When Cats & Ghosts Collide
Every animal has a purpose. Not all animals are aware of this purpose, but some are. It is our job as humans to listen to their true purpose and not impose our desires on them. Animals are connected to their true nature and if we share our lives with animals, it is our job to support them – and ourselves – to live as close to our authentic essence as we can. In this episode I tell stories about finding, losing, and re-finding purpose – both for animals and humans. I ask three questions to help people get on track with living their purpose. When we find ourselves in alignment with purpose, which is like having an internal GPS, life gets calmer, more focused, more joyous. Come with us on this journey of cultivating purpose for ourselves and the animals who share our lives.
Listen to Episode #1 Now:
Transcript:
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This is Pet Life Radio.
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Let's talk pets.
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Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Today on the Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Audio Recording St.
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George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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A cast.
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Welcome to the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Please take a number and wait until you are called.
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Thank you.
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A directive from Gertrude Fletcher, head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Part 1.
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Now serving 247.
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247, please step forward, quickly.
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I don't have all day.
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Actually, I had eternity, but I like to run a tight ship.
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The new intake looked nervous.
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They all do when they wind up here.
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Name?
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I already knew it.
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Blue McKenna.
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I didn't look up when she answered, shaky and sad.
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I'd helped her before.
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Live side, so to speak.
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I never forget a face, even before I started photographing everyone as part of my job at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Naval Utah.
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I still have the same office, making the space so inhospitable, even the cramped conditions of the outer realms of the DMV couldn't entice anyone to work back here.
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Besides never forgetting a face, I have an almost eidetic memory when it comes to personal details.
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Though it had been a few years since our last encounter, I remembered Blue McKenna to be compliant with the law, at least as far as the privilege of operating a motor vehicle is concerned.
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Blue wasn't one of those hyper-organized types who showed up weeks in advance to renew a license, nor was she like her twin sister, Moon McKenna, late and unreasonable.
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I'm a professional, which means I don't play favorites.
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I have a job to do.
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Blue's sobbing about the premature baby extracted from her body wasn't going to sway me.
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I've got your file on my desk, I said, nodding toward a two-foot pile of documents neatly tucked in manila folders.
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There might be some actionable cause I can argue in your defense to reverse this situation.
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Blue had stepped out of line, opting not to complete the walk towards the light and all the resting in peace it has to offer.
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Instead, Blue hovered around her premature child, releasing a cold, virulent breeze that made the nurses at the hospital in Naval uneasy.
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I'd briefly met with Blue at her funeral to advise her of my services.
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She didn't remember seeing me at the scene of the crash.
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I think the cat, the one they call Skitters, saw everything, possibly even what caused Blue to ram her truck into one of the ornate pilings on the bridge at Juniper Hollow.
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Next.
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Chapter 1 Skitter's The Cat Blue McKenna is dead.
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We're talking basting the formaldehyde turkey, definitely done dancing, given up the ghost kinda dead, complete with guts on the ground.
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I had the displeasure of watching Scottie Sphincter root around in Blue's belly as he fished out Rudy, their seven-month-old baby.
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I can't unsee this, you know?
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The little tyke endures a gruesome, premature passport into the world, and his reward for surviving is to get slapped upside the head with the name Rudy.
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It was short for Rude Boy.
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A term Blue called him as a joke during her pregnancy.
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No one's laughing anymore, sweetheart.
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If I had a dead rat to snack on for every time I'd fantasized about Blue McKenna going permanently out of print, the entire rodent removal industry would be history.
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With this glorious moment now upon me, I'm strangely unsettled.
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I wondered if I was just missing the chance to pinch a loaf in Blue's closet, or if I was actually sad she was now sporting a toe tag.
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I didn't see Blue's pickup slam into the side of the granite bridge over the drainage ditch in front of Juniper Hollow.
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I was in the vicinity, having been 86 from a celebration for Blue's baby, amid some kind of misguided talk about how pregnant women shouldn't be around cats.
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Maybe cats are allergic to women who look like they've just swallowed a wrecking ball.
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Has anyone ever thought of that?
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Of course not, because humans have an overinflated opinion of themselves.
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But who's really superior here?
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I've got nine lives, and Blue McKenna is being baked like a muffin at the crematorium.
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I know what it's like to feel like your scalp has been set ablaze.
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I'm a cat living in the middle of the freaking desert.
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I wake up every day to a mystic combination of red rock mountains and orange trees.
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Naval is the biggest town in this part of Utah.
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Las Vegas is only two hours away, yet life in this cloistered community smacks of yesteryear.
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Getting to Naval is even more primitive.
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You have to navigate a 25-mile dirt road which is deliberately inaccessible.
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At the time of Blue's demise, I had been strutting around the new construction at Juniper Hollow.
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Everyone in this part of Utah gives their properties a name.
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I live in a desert compound outside of Naval called Gecko's Gulch.
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Blue lived at Legacy Grove, a remodeled pioneer home a few miles north of Naval.
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At Blue's final checkout, I was trying to entice my girlfriend, Miss Kitty, to come down from her lofty perch for a quick booty call.
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No such luck.
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All I got was an eyeful of blue goo.
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Miss Kitty forfeited one of her nine lives when the original house at Juniper Hollow was turned into a giant clam bake.
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My furry sweetums escaped the inferno by scrambling to the top of Granite Ridge, a huge outcropping, overlooking Juniper Hollow.
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A cantankerous metamucil muncher named Boyd Fletcher took Miss Kitty in, ladling out buckets of Kitty crunchies in an effort to win her love.
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I've been teased about having a super-sized twerker, but compared to Miss Kitty, I'm Skindiana Bones.
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Before I go on to explain what happened before Blue was pushing up daisies in the desert, I should probably provide a quick rundown on the relevant parties.
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If you'll quit picking your nose for a second and pay attention, I'll try to keep this simple.
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Blue is married to Scottie Sphincter, who is the lead singer of The Rectal Surgeons and an anus analyzer on the side.
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Scottie Sphincter tinkers with assholes in clinical settings and then sings about it.
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Or maybe it's the other way around.
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Doesn't matter so long as both jobs get done.
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Either way, Scottie Sphincter is up to his elbows in assholes.
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I'd rather share a bathroom with someone prepping for a colonoscopy than mosey down the Hershey Highway with a hardcore rectal fan.
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It isn't just the drugs that make these people so swivel-eyed.
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You'd have to be pretty swashbuckled to put on one of those plunger hats that the fans wear at rectal fest.
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Most of the time, Scottie and Blue live in Las Vegas with Scottie's kids from a previous marriage.
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Legacy Grove is a second home for them.
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Blue's twin sister, Moon McKenna and her husband, are the parents of my twin handlers, identical girls just like their mom and aunt.
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I live with the twins and their parents in the aforementioned swanky mansion called Gecko's Gulch.
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Please try and keep all this straight.
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The meal I enjoyed before Blue was filleted like a freshwater flounder was one for the record books.
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I had been locked in what's referred to as the Poo-Pourri, a small utility room at Gecko's Gulch where they keep my litter box.
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After listening to me meow from the top of my lungs every time I needed to cut some brownies, they finally got a clue and installed a cat door.
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It doesn't take these people long.
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Why would any human ever think it's okay to make an animal cop a plop in what amounts to a sand pile in a shoe box?
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And what's with all these so-called privacy covers?
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Do you think I give a crap if you watch me take one?
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On the night of Blue's baby-shit shower, that's what I called it due to the Blue diaper bouquets decorating the living room, I had been locked up like a common criminal in the pouperie.
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To be clear, I don't believe this nonsense about cats being harmful to pregnant ladies.
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Now, I'm no medical doctor, but Blue is married to one, so I know for a fact the only thing that could hurt her is if she snacked on one of my baby roots.
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It's true, cat dumplings carry parasites, but so long as you don't lick your fingers after cleaning the litter box, you should be fine.
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Besides, I rarely use the indoor box anyway.
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I'd much rather lay cable in the wild, or at least in the garden, like a proper pet.
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The Pouperie also houses a feeding station and a multi-level cat tree.
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The tree offers a full view of the courtyard at Gecko's Gulch.
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A few hours before the baby shit shower was scheduled to start, a catering truck arrived from Navel.
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The sliding door of the van had been left open while a young woman unloaded trays of food.
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When God closes a window, he opens a van.
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In a moment of pure elation, I leapt from my perch and skidded through the cat door into the courtyard.
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The delivery girl from the Last Supper Catering Company nearly tripped over me as I darted for the van.
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I figured I had two, maybe three minutes before she deposited the stacks of trays she was carrying and found me.
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Holy pancakes!
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Every shelf in the delivery van was loaded with delectables.
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I started with the nearest tray, chicken taquitos with green chilies.
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I slurped down a couple before the thought of what those chilies were going to feel like on the return trip prompted me to move on.
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I pranced across a tray of apple and cream cheese canapes to reach the jackpot.
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Sausage patties swaddled in phyllo dough.
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I was just about to make my way to what looked like little weenies wrapped in crescent rolls when I was jerked up by the nape of the neck and dumped in the dust by the delivery girl, who was screaming at me like the world was coming to an end.
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Lighten up, babe.
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No one's died here.
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Yet.
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The soundtrack featuring the harpy from hell tipped off Moon.
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I know better than to mess with Moon.
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I darted off before she could finger me for the crime.
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Knowing I'd be stuck in the pouperie if I returned to Gecko's Gulch, I headed towards Juniper Hollow and Granite Ridge, hoping to spend some time bump kissing Miss Kitty.
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We've been an item for nearly a year.
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I'm all for family, which is why I had no problem going from one sister to another.
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Prior to my courtship of Miss Kitty, I was fallusing her sister Harriet.
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Now is a good time to interject with a few words about life in this part of Utah.
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Multiplicity rules the roost for both women and cats.
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The city of Naval was founded by polygamists who practiced plural marriage until just a few decades ago.
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Those who weren't willing to release their stable of wives left Naval and formed Zion Flats, a trashy town about 20 miles away.
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Even though it was the first week in January, it was still quite warm, at least for someone who's wearing a nice striped coat like me.
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Nonetheless, I wasn't exactly walking on sunshine as I headed towards my destination.
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I'd managed to scarf down an impressive amount of hors d'oeuvres.
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By the time I tottered all the way to Juniper Hollow, I was too tuckered to make the climb to the top of Granite Ridge.
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Besides, it was dark by then.
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Presumably Miss Kitty would be asleep inside the cabin with her handler.
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I hunkered down, hoping she'd see me in the morning.
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I don't normally have to make such a heroic effort to visit my sweetie.
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Moon brings me and the twins to Granite Ridge on a regular basis.
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If she doesn't, I come by myself, which is a long trip that keeps me away from home for extended periods of time.
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This stresses out the twins who worry I'll be eaten by coyotes.
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It's nice to be loved.
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It's even nicer when someone drives me to visit my cutie patootie in a big, comfy SUV.
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Boyd Fletcher, Miss Kitty's human, is a real grumpel stillskin, although the twins are mesmerized by the stories he tells.
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Boyd likes to regale them with tall tales about high crimes and misdemeanors that have gone on in this part of the world, especially at Juniper Hollow.
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His family used to own the property before they had to forfeit it to a mob syndicate out of Las Vegas.
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As if mobsters in our midst wasn't whacked enough, a number of polygamists from Zion Flats are also thrown in the mix at Juniper Hollow.
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In a case of extremely strange bedfellows, a polygamist woman from Zion Flats made the curious decision to marry one of the mobsters.
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Rumor has it those two were into angry sex.
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No surprise on how that ended.
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A few years into the marriage, the wife either leapt or was pushed from the widow's walk on top of the house.
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No one can prove what really happened because the whole place was set on fire before the authorities could investigate.
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The mobster husband took off but was later arrested.
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This incident at Juniper Hollow touched off a number of demented things which eventually led to the prophet of Zion flats cooling his heels in the clink.
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The mob, sensing the jig was up on their little sanctuary in the desert, sold the place to a young polygamist named Jasper Stratton.
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Jasper had gotten into a bidding war with Boyd Fletcher for Juniper Hollow, eventually paying way over market price to buy the land and its grisly history.
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Morbidity aside, Juniper Hollow is a choice piece of property primarily because it has water.
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Liquid gold when you're in a desert.
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An underground spring feeds a small lake located directly below Granite Ridge.
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A grandiose gazebo with a copper top sits in the middle of the lake.
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In the past, the polygamist from Zion Flats used the gazebo to host weddings for underage uggaloids.
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It was kind of like an event center for sexual predators and pedophiles.
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According to Boyd, the gazebo was also where they murdered a bunch of polygamist kids who turned out to be swamp donkeys.
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That happens a lot when you breed with your next of kin.
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When Blue was alive, she spent a good deal of time sneaking around Juniper Hollow.
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Ditto for her husband's teenage son.
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These two fancied themselves as super sleuths, eager to blow the lid off the scene at Juniper Hollow once and for all.
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Boyd did his part to egg them on.
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While Blue never hid her contempt for me, she wasn't above tagging along during some of my conjugal visits with Miss Kitty, her purpose being to pump Boyd for information about Juniper Hollow.
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Before I had the misfortune of meeting Blue, she had published a number of novels.
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I guess being married to the lead singer of The Rectal Surgeons and the stepmom to two kids wasn't enough to keep Blue busy, because she was back at it, this time writing what I guess was a true crime story about Juniper Hollow.
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Gecko's Gulch is about five miles from Juniper Hollow if you go by dirt road.
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Of course, I cut straight across the desert whenever I have to haul my haunches all the way out there because some puffed up pregnant lady has kicked me out of her baby shit shower.
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If I had known this was going to happen, I would have gone to Legacy Grove to begin with.
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Blue's husband, Dr.
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Spinkle, more commonly known as Scotty Sphincter, was hosting his own shindy, having invited members of his band The Rectal Surgeons, as well as doctors from his gastrointestinal clinic in Las Vegas.
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Now that I think about it, steaks from Holy Cow Ranch would have been a lot easier on the old poop portal than those spicy taquitos.
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Legacy Grove is also a hell of a lot closer to Juniper Hollow, especially if you use a cut-through called Fletcher's Sneak.
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The Fletcher who earned this title is a long-gone relative of Boyd who claims his family was bamboozled out of Juniper Hollow by both the polygamous and the mob.
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Because of the distance I'd traveled to get to Juniper Hollow, I was catnapping when Blue crashed her truck and kicked the oxygen habit once and for all.
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She was on her way to Legacy Grove with a truckload of stuff she collected at her baby-shit shower.
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This included those heinous blue diaper bouquets.
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Is there anything grosser than centerpieces made from materials used to trap baby-squeezed cheese?
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The sound of Blue's pickup slamming into the edge of the bridge woke me up.
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I had picked a spot in the middle of Juniper Hollow in the hopes Miss Kitty would notice I'd made such a heroic effort to visit.
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The least she could do is ramble down the ridge to meet me for a little afternoon delight.
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Instead, my wildest dreams came true when Blue got ghosted.
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I sensed Blue wasn't the only human around, although I didn't actually see anyone else, at least not right away.
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Blue's head had hit the windshield, resulting in a million tiny cracks.
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A safety belt kept Blue from going all the way through it, though it was fairly obvious Blue's ticket to the afterlife had already been punched.
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I should have been kicking up my paws in celebration now that my arch nemesis had been converted into plant fertilizer.
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Instead, I was horrified and even a little distressed, and this was before the guts began to fly.
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Not having a watch, I have no idea how long it took for Scotty Sphincter to find his wife co-mingling with the windshield of her truck.
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Scotty, a fussy twitchy man who is a doctor besides being a rock star, proved to be one hell of a smooth operator in an emergency.
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It took four people to get Blue out of the truck.
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Her Buddha belly was wedged in between the seat and the steering wheel.
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I thought I heard a sound like a cork popping when they finally dislodged Blue, but it's possible I just imagined that part.
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I couldn't help gawking as Scotty sliced into Blue's belly like it was a summer watermelon.
00:22:29.117 --> 00:22:33.417
Sweet and salty Jesus, I've never seen so much blood.
00:22:34.197 --> 00:22:39.957
Scotty's teenage son started screaming like a little girl even though he's old enough to drive now.
00:22:40.977 --> 00:22:50.137
The stench wafting off Blue's gizzards caused me to regurgitate those spicy taquitos I'd eaten, feeling the burn all the way up my throat.
00:22:51.077 --> 00:22:53.537
It was like barfing a bonfire.
00:22:55.657 --> 00:23:09.477
The strangely coincidental thing about the situation was Blue's ex-boyfriend, a cop named Deputy Kip Nichols, actually beat Scotty to the scene even though no one had contacted the authorities yet.
00:23:10.397 --> 00:23:17.277
Kip had the wherewithal to call for backup, which is a good thing given that he is dumber than a box of doorknobs.
00:23:18.217 --> 00:23:30.457
By the time the emergency responders trekked to the site where Blue had been gutted like a hunter's hot dream, Scotty was holding up a bloody baby like he was Simba in the opening scene of The Lion King.
00:23:31.537 --> 00:23:44.517
After that, we all wandered into a weird time warp, where one moment things passed quicker than one of Taylor Swift's boyfriends, then slowed to a pace where I had to check my own pulse to make sure I was still alive.
00:23:45.497 --> 00:23:51.237
At some point, a life flight helicopter turned the whole scene into a blender of red dirt.
00:23:51.957 --> 00:23:58.977
Nothing like having bits of Blue's ass pie being whipped through the air right after you just downloaded your dinner.
00:24:00.457 --> 00:24:08.017
Deputy Nichols is so slow and dull-witted, he obviously must have already been in the area when Blue crashed.
00:24:08.817 --> 00:24:14.117
No chance he'd ever respond to a crisis that quickly on an actual call.
00:24:15.017 --> 00:24:20.757
Those two had been raw dogging back in the days before Blue snagged herself a juicy rectal surgeon.
00:24:22.257 --> 00:24:29.137
Kip doesn't have much respect for his wedding vows or Blue's given the fact that he's been married since they met.
00:24:30.217 --> 00:24:37.877
I don't give two turds about Blue, but I know she wouldn't step out on Scotty, especially not for this pattywhacker.
00:24:39.037 --> 00:24:43.277
My first direct experience with Deputy Dipshit was last summer.
00:24:44.217 --> 00:24:52.397
My handlers made the irresponsible and inhumane decision to have Blue take care of my basic needs while they were on vacation.
00:24:53.257 --> 00:25:00.337
Even more alarming, Scotty Sphincter had also placed his teenage son and a friend under Blue's care.
00:25:01.297 --> 00:25:09.917
Surprise, surprise, the whole thing blew up and spewed polygamist and mob-flavored shrapnel all over the place.
00:25:11.897 --> 00:25:19.017
While Blue was remodeling the house at Legacy Grove, Scotty's son and his pal were barnstorming Juniper Hollow.
00:25:19.977 --> 00:25:26.837
They were trying to prove the last polygamist lady of the house didn't intend to take the quick route off the widow's walk.
00:25:27.797 --> 00:25:34.417
Since the house was torched and her body was moved before the cops got there, it's never going to get solved.
00:25:35.517 --> 00:25:40.517
No one from Naval cares about what happens at Juniper Hollow or Zion Flats.
00:25:41.217 --> 00:25:42.917
Same goes for the federal government.
00:25:43.497 --> 00:25:49.017
However, there's one thing that does get the feds' attention, welfare fraud.
00:25:49.757 --> 00:25:52.837
They don't want to dole it out to the polygamist to begin with.
00:25:53.497 --> 00:26:00.117
When it was discovered the prophet of Zion Flats was running a scam involving food stamps, heads started to roll.
00:26:02.017 --> 00:26:15.197
Prior to getting arrested for his food stamp swindle, this perpetrator of plural marriage to underage girls thundered over to Gecko's Gulch and screamed at Blue because Moon wasn't around to yell at.
00:26:16.257 --> 00:26:19.917
Scotty's son got spooked and called the Pitt County Sheriff's Department.
00:26:20.477 --> 00:26:23.097
The dispatchers sent Deputy Kip Nichols.
00:26:23.837 --> 00:26:28.157
Because no actual crime had been committed, they figured even he could handle it.
00:26:28.817 --> 00:26:30.257
Wrong-o, GI.
00:26:30.277 --> 00:26:30.637
Joe.
00:26:31.257 --> 00:26:35.997
Never underestimate the jerkability of a married cop who's been scorned.
00:26:38.057 --> 00:26:46.997
In the days that followed, Kip continued to hound Blue over the phone and in person, acting like he was following up on official business.
00:26:47.797 --> 00:26:55.597
In reality, the matter had been referred to the FBI, which eventually arrested the prophet of Zion Flats for welfare fraud.
00:26:56.877 --> 00:27:03.157
For reasons I don't understand, Blue told Scottie's son about her affair with Kip.
00:27:04.217 --> 00:27:13.877
I'm not sure why Blue thought it was a good idea to disclose this information to someone who was 15 at the time, but not share it with her husband.
00:27:14.957 --> 00:27:20.097
Even now, everyone is aware of Blue's boyfriend Blunder except Scottie.
00:27:20.757 --> 00:27:22.097
Probably a good thing.
00:27:22.617 --> 00:27:30.037
I'm sure Scottie wouldn't have let Deputy Nichols gawk at Blue's puddin pie while he delivered his son had he known otherwise.
00:27:32.197 --> 00:27:40.317
If humans got nine lives like cats do, Blue's baby used up about eight of them before he was even five minutes old.
00:27:41.017 --> 00:27:45.737
I felt sorry for Rudy as they loaded his tiny body into the life flight helicopter.
00:27:46.537 --> 00:27:48.897
Scottie went along on the short trip to Naval.
00:27:49.557 --> 00:27:52.637
Everyone else stayed behind to deal with the fuzz.
00:27:53.717 --> 00:28:02.037
The sheriff himself showed up, causing everyone to be re-interviewed because Kip is about as reliable as self-flushing toilets.
00:28:02.617 --> 00:28:05.617
It's always a crap shoot when you're dealing with either one.
00:28:06.617 --> 00:28:13.077
The general consensus was that Blue slammed on her brakes, likely to avoid hitting something in the road.
00:28:13.597 --> 00:28:14.777
Not me, mind you.
00:28:15.297 --> 00:28:20.537
I've never been one of those cats who dart out in front of cars, or people for that matter.
00:28:21.357 --> 00:28:26.617
I don't take chances on getting kicked in the nads or rolled over by a two-ton machine.
00:28:28.737 --> 00:28:32.077
My problems with Blue were entirely of her making.
00:28:32.957 --> 00:28:38.817
She got all worked up about some nail artistry I performed at Legacy Grove a few years back.
00:28:39.777 --> 00:28:42.397
I didn't appreciate the name calling that followed.
00:28:43.317 --> 00:28:49.937
I may be a nutritional overachiever, but that didn't make it okay for Blue to fat shame me.
00:28:50.957 --> 00:28:54.437
Now that she was actually dead, I felt kind of sorry.
00:28:55.357 --> 00:28:59.657
I was mulling this over when a shimmering form cast a cold shadow over me.
00:29:00.557 --> 00:29:05.637
I looked up to see a green translucent image of Blue.
00:29:06.697 --> 00:29:10.897
My first and only thought was, Oh, hell no.
00:29:13.077 --> 00:29:15.097
One good quirk leads to another.
00:29:15.637 --> 00:29:26.017
If you're enjoying Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, you should pounce over to audible.com and snag yourself a download of Quirky Cat Goes Splat by Adele Park.
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Splat is the story of two twitchy teenagers who team up with Skitters the Cat to raise holy hell.
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Quirky Cat Goes Splat.
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It's the cat's meow.
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