The Fur Is Flying In Navel, Utah

Adele Park on Pet Life Radio

The fur is flying in Navel, Utah. People are dead. Cats are annoyed. Ghosts are ghosting. Don't miss a Quirky moment! Stay tuned as we air a new chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park every first and third week of the month. And don’t forget to tune in on the other weeks for quirky commentary on how to live a better life with your feline.  Meow Kitties!

Listen to Episode #2 Now:

Transcript:


00:00:02.420 --> 00:00:03.680
Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio.

00:00:03.880 --> 00:00:05.040
Announcer: Let's talk pets.

00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:13.000
Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.

00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:25.580
Today on The Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audiobook has been broadcasted.

00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:33.040
We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax, and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.

00:00:39.698 --> 00:00:41.018
Audio Recording St.

00:00:41.038 --> 00:00:49.678
George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.

00:00:49.698 --> 00:00:49.838
A cast.

00:00:59.743 --> 00:01:05.083
A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.

00:01:06.083 --> 00:01:07.063
Part 2.

00:01:11.083 --> 00:01:14.983
Dying and the Department of Motor Vehicles are a lot alike.

00:01:15.743 --> 00:01:17.783
Most people deplore both things.

00:01:18.583 --> 00:01:23.783
Regardless, they serve a critical function, without which there would be utter chaos.

00:01:25.403 --> 00:01:37.343
Next time you're in line at the DMV, furiously texting your friends to complain about the long wait, imagine, for a moment, if we had no regulations when it came to driving.

00:01:38.083 --> 00:01:44.883
Do you really want to share the road with people who haven't had to demonstrate even a modicum of driving skills?

00:01:45.943 --> 00:01:48.663
As for the long wait, that's on you.

00:01:49.323 --> 00:01:52.603
If you want speedy service, make a reservation.

00:01:53.223 --> 00:01:55.083
We have the technology.

00:01:56.803 --> 00:02:02.463
Dying, by contrast, is generally unpleasant and often unplanned for.

00:02:03.443 --> 00:02:06.603
Unlike the DMV, you can't schedule an appointment.

00:02:07.363 --> 00:02:11.023
Let's just say everyone has a standing invitation.

00:02:12.043 --> 00:02:15.583
Blue McKenna wasn't accepting hers very gracefully.

00:02:16.423 --> 00:02:19.863
She had a point, one I have a unique perspective on.

00:02:20.803 --> 00:02:22.623
Fairness isn't the issue.

00:02:23.143 --> 00:02:24.443
Timing is.

00:02:25.483 --> 00:02:29.043
Blue's timing fell into the ill-fated category.

00:02:30.203 --> 00:02:35.843
To be clear, I wasn't the one who interrupted Blue's walk to the bright light.

00:02:36.683 --> 00:02:38.883
Yes, this is a real thing.

00:02:39.623 --> 00:02:48.063
What a lot of people don't realize is the portal to the next existence isn't like a highway one can use at their own discretion.

00:02:48.963 --> 00:02:50.943
There are protocols to be followed.

00:02:51.723 --> 00:02:58.423
When Blue stepped out of line, presumably to check on the welfare of her unborn child, the portal closed.

00:02:59.983 --> 00:03:03.663
Blue's untimely death isn't sitting well with the living.

00:03:04.203 --> 00:03:05.463
These things rarely do.

00:03:06.283 --> 00:03:11.163
For those left behind, anger is often the most dominant stage of grief.

00:03:12.023 --> 00:03:15.883
It's the easiest to get one's head around, and it feels better than sorrow.

00:03:16.963 --> 00:03:19.863
Generally, these things are none of my concern.

00:03:20.703 --> 00:03:22.543
Blue was an exception.

00:03:23.283 --> 00:03:26.903
Her case was going to require assistance from the living.

00:03:28.123 --> 00:03:35.763
I wouldn't lay odds on Blue's stepson, Brandon Spinkle, uncovering the great mysteries surrounding the death process.

00:03:36.683 --> 00:03:48.263
That said, he has a particular interest in what happened to Blue, and, more importantly, why it is that she died on the bridge in front of Juniper Hollow.

00:03:49.743 --> 00:03:53.263
Brandon has been granted the privilege of a driver's license.

00:03:54.023 --> 00:04:01.463
His record may be clean with the Department of Motor Vehicles, but this young man is capable of causing a lot of trouble.

00:04:09.806 --> 00:04:13.606
In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.

00:04:22.666 --> 00:04:25.026
Fucking hate Blue McKenna.

00:04:25.786 --> 00:04:29.026
She's like the grand pooh-pah of posers.

00:04:29.826 --> 00:04:38.086
You know, the kind who leads you on, tossing out handfuls of sparkly bullshit about living happily ever after.

00:04:38.846 --> 00:04:42.846
Those were her exact words, happily ever after.

00:04:43.846 --> 00:04:49.626
Blue cranked out this line until everyone believed it, especially my dad.

00:04:50.506 --> 00:04:51.086
And me.

00:04:52.526 --> 00:05:02.086
Before Blue started slopping on all this happily crappily goo, we were doing just fine as America's most dysfunctional family.

00:05:03.146 --> 00:05:08.166
My mom led the way by trying to get featured in one of those smut bucket magazines.

00:05:08.866 --> 00:05:13.406
She went full Mary Kay Letourneau with a senior from my high school in Connecticut.

00:05:14.206 --> 00:05:21.406
I'll bet if you googled famous female pedophiles, mom's picture would pop up right next to Mary Kay's.

00:05:22.846 --> 00:05:32.486
After a bunch of skanky pics of mom circulated around my school, dad pulled a witness protection move by shuffling us off to my grandparents' house in Las Vegas.

00:05:33.446 --> 00:05:42.866
Mom apparently hadn't embarrassed us enough, because after that, she threatened to publish a book about how dad is the undercover lead singer for the rectal surgeons.

00:05:43.726 --> 00:05:53.286
Incredibly, me and my little sister didn't even know dad's work tinkering in the big brown winker as a gastrointestinal specialist was just a side hustle.

00:05:54.306 --> 00:05:58.426
I don't get how he can stand dealing with so many assholes.

00:06:00.586 --> 00:06:10.286
Even with the boiling guts spewed all over the side of the road and my barely alive bloody little brother, we were still better off before Blue came along.

00:06:11.226 --> 00:06:16.426
At least then, our family had no hope and no hope of ever getting any hope.

00:06:17.526 --> 00:06:19.726
It cuts way down on the disappointment.

00:06:20.706 --> 00:06:26.306
Then Blue jumped in to help dad manage the tabloid shit storm my mom was stirring up.

00:06:27.126 --> 00:06:27.966
Things changed.

00:06:28.706 --> 00:06:29.986
He got happy.

00:06:30.846 --> 00:06:31.626
Real happy.

00:06:32.446 --> 00:06:33.186
We all did.

00:06:34.806 --> 00:06:39.266
After Blue married dad, she didn't just take over the closets in our house.

00:06:39.746 --> 00:06:42.266
She filled it with something we'd never heard before.

00:06:43.106 --> 00:06:43.646
Laughter.

00:06:44.686 --> 00:06:51.566
I'd walk past dad's bedroom at night and hear them giggling like a couple of escapees from the loony bin.

00:06:52.546 --> 00:06:55.026
No, it wasn't them doing the deed.

00:06:56.006 --> 00:07:00.066
I don't know what dad's got in his junk drawer, and I don't want to.

00:07:01.166 --> 00:07:06.866
What I can say for sure is there's no way anyone could last as long as that laughing.

00:07:07.786 --> 00:07:10.746
I never heard my dad even chuckle around my mom.

00:07:12.426 --> 00:07:14.026
Blue didn't talk down to me.

00:07:14.626 --> 00:07:17.906
Compare that to my mom, who never talks to me.

00:07:18.706 --> 00:07:20.466
Mom only talks at me.

00:07:21.526 --> 00:07:24.326
Blue didn't think it was stupid that I wanted to be a journalist.

00:07:25.386 --> 00:07:31.646
Looking back, I'm not sure if I wanted to be a writer because of her, or if it just happened around the same time.

00:07:32.606 --> 00:07:37.846
I was flunking out of a class and had to write a ridiculously long paper last summer.

00:07:38.506 --> 00:07:43.526
Blue made it a cool assignment, telling me to write about something I'm intrigued with.

00:07:44.546 --> 00:07:48.266
For me, that means murder with a side order of ghosts.

00:07:50.786 --> 00:07:55.126
Do you think the things that go bump in the night are more than just the house settling?

00:07:56.126 --> 00:08:12.806
I never thought I'd be the sort of guy who did, but then I never thought I'd be a drug dealer, or the unbiological son of an undercover rock star, or the caretaker for a cat who acts like a dog and insists on jumping in the car every time someone heads out.

00:08:14.646 --> 00:08:16.986
I got interested in murder last summer.

00:08:17.726 --> 00:08:24.226
Like I said, I had to write this crummy paper for school or else take an F in American studies.

00:08:25.166 --> 00:08:29.586
I would have been okay with the F, but dad is way too strict for that.

00:08:30.986 --> 00:08:39.426
Me and my best friend Taj got to spend three months at Gecko's Gulch, this ritzy mansion in the desert outside of Naval, Utah.

00:08:40.286 --> 00:08:46.086
Blue's twin sister Moon owns the place along with her flamingly gay husband Randall.

00:08:47.026 --> 00:08:52.026
Not saying there's anything wrong with being gay, it's just not for me.

00:08:52.866 --> 00:08:55.186
But then neither are Brussels sprouts.

00:08:56.086 --> 00:09:01.126
Being gay and eating Brussels sprouts are pretty much the same thing in my mind.

00:09:02.806 --> 00:09:09.866
Randall and Moon had been gone most of the summer, so it was just me, Taj, and Blue living at Gecko's Gulch.

00:09:10.906 --> 00:09:15.646
Dad was doing the Love and Life on Uranus tour with his band, the Rectal Surgeons.

00:09:16.566 --> 00:09:19.266
It's so cray-cray about my dad.

00:09:19.906 --> 00:09:26.686
For the first 15 years of my life, I thought all dad did was deep dive into people's peepholes.

00:09:27.546 --> 00:09:30.426
Don't ask me how someone gets into this line of work.

00:09:31.746 --> 00:09:36.346
In between Rectal Fests, dad worked at his old clinic in Hartford, Connecticut.

00:09:37.186 --> 00:09:41.886
That's where he got tangled up with Drew Compton, the guy who was actually my real dad.

00:09:42.706 --> 00:09:44.726
It's a craptacular story.

00:09:45.426 --> 00:09:50.146
But I got a brand new jeep out of the deal, so it worked out okay for me.

00:09:52.126 --> 00:10:03.466
Dad, aka Scotty Sphincter, went way the hell out of his way to keep Drew from joining my mom on this stupid reality show called Celebrity Cougars.

00:10:04.486 --> 00:10:09.546
Thank God that steaming pile of cow crap never made it on the air.

00:10:10.646 --> 00:10:19.426
I was laying low at Gecko's Gulch while all this was happening, hoping the people at my school in Las Vegas wouldn't catch a whiff of this shitscapade.

00:10:21.626 --> 00:10:26.866
Me and Taj spent a lot of time exploring the area around Gecko's Gulch last summer.

00:10:27.466 --> 00:10:33.166
We were staying there while they remodeled Legacy Grove, the house Blue owned before she met dad.

00:10:34.006 --> 00:10:38.486
He bought it back for her last year, and the sawdust has been flying ever since.

00:10:40.586 --> 00:10:46.506
Legacy Grove is an old pioneer relic, made of stone and built to last.

00:10:47.426 --> 00:10:53.146
There was also an old stone packing shed, which dad turned into his own personal man cave.

00:10:54.406 --> 00:11:02.686
I thought that was a little unfair, especially since he built a mega studio in our backyard in Las Vegas, instead of putting in a pool.

00:11:03.626 --> 00:11:08.126
There's a pool at Taj's house, which is kind of why we started hanging out to begin with.

00:11:10.466 --> 00:11:16.106
Legacy Grove is about four miles outside of Naval if you're heading towards normal civilization.

00:11:17.026 --> 00:11:24.466
Gecko's Gulch is ten miles west of town, halfway between Naval and this dumpy polygamist place called Zion Flats.

00:11:25.646 --> 00:11:29.306
Both towns are crammed between rolling red rock hills.

00:11:29.866 --> 00:11:32.106
It's hard to tell where you are half the time.

00:11:32.786 --> 00:11:38.966
There's lots of cool stuff out there, the raddest being an oasis about a mile from Gecko's Gulch.

00:11:40.146 --> 00:11:42.826
This oasis is the real deal.

00:11:43.266 --> 00:11:49.666
Not just a few puny palm trees hanging on for dear life around a muddy puddle of water.

00:11:50.626 --> 00:11:55.266
If you ask anyone in Naval, they'll tell you the oasis is haunted.

00:11:56.066 --> 00:12:05.946
The polygamists from Zion Flats used it as their desert gulag before the cops in Naval figured out that's where they were burying rejects who got voted off the island.

00:12:07.026 --> 00:12:11.426
I don't know if there are ghosts in the oasis, but it's creepy as hell.

00:12:12.206 --> 00:12:21.706
The Jump for Jesus squad in Naval would rather mainline asbestos than hang out in the oasis, which makes it the perfect place to grow weed.

00:12:22.926 --> 00:12:29.806
To lay blame where it belongs, Blue was the one who made sure the grass was greener on the other side of the oasis.

00:12:30.966 --> 00:12:37.066
Taj and me just happened to pick up where Blue left off when she married Dad and committed ganja genocide.

00:12:38.086 --> 00:12:40.066
We found the plants that survived.

00:12:41.986 --> 00:12:51.586
Taj and I both had part-time jobs last summer, which gave us plenty of time to do things that would have grounded us for the rest of our lives if we had gotten caught.

00:12:52.606 --> 00:12:59.726
I stole Blue's SUV one night to drop off what I thought were some really awesome purple flowers to a girl I liked.

00:13:00.746 --> 00:13:07.126
I didn't find out until later they were Belladonna, a highly hallucinogenic and poisonous plant.

00:13:08.046 --> 00:13:14.686
No one died, and I brought the SUV back in perfect condition, so I deserved to dodge that bullet.

00:13:15.646 --> 00:13:22.786
If Blue had been driving her SUV instead of that old pickup the morning after her baby shower, she might still be alive.

00:13:25.126 --> 00:13:36.746
Other than Grand Theft Auto and the near poisoning, we mostly did stuff like swiping alcohol from the liquor cabinet at Gecko's Gulch and blowing a few joints of oasis weed.

00:13:37.646 --> 00:13:39.386
Taj did most of the smoking.

00:13:40.046 --> 00:13:41.046
I hate the stuff.

00:13:41.686 --> 00:13:45.566
It makes me feel like I've had electroshock therapy or something.

00:13:46.586 --> 00:13:52.386
I prefer screwdrivers, rum and cokes, or whatever libation I can get my mitts on.

00:13:53.226 --> 00:13:59.686
Thankfully, I never have to worry about Taj bogarting my booze since he gets buzzed on half a beer.

00:14:01.626 --> 00:14:05.666
Over the summer, Taj became Agent Orange Man.

00:14:06.426 --> 00:14:09.546
That's what Blue called the pot she used to grow in the oasis.

00:14:10.546 --> 00:14:19.046
No teenager in their right mind would pass this up, especially if they needed money, which Taj and I definitely did.

00:14:21.066 --> 00:14:26.906
I literally wrote the book on drug dealing during a red-eye flight from New York to Las Vegas.

00:14:27.886 --> 00:14:32.626
We were flying home after the rectal surgeon's big Memorial Day splashdown.

00:14:33.326 --> 00:14:39.806
It was the mother of all rectal fests, with perfect weather until the second we were supposed to go home.

00:14:40.646 --> 00:14:47.486
As we were trying to leave New York, a tropical storm they were calling Alberto started hammering Florida.

00:14:48.406 --> 00:14:54.786
It was so intense, it grounded planes clear up the coast, even as far as JFK.

00:14:56.386 --> 00:15:01.866
Stephen Finch, part of the entourage for the rectal surgeons, was stuck at the airport with us.

00:15:02.966 --> 00:15:08.646
Because we were there on official band business, we all got to hang out in the VIP lounge.

00:15:09.626 --> 00:15:13.366
Our flight was delayed by more than four hours because of Alberto.

00:15:14.026 --> 00:15:19.506
My dad and Taj's dad were at the bar, swilling beers and watching baseball.

00:15:20.426 --> 00:15:23.406
Taj was FaceTiming with his girlfriend Danica.

00:15:24.286 --> 00:15:27.126
The only other person around to talk to was Stephen.

00:15:29.126 --> 00:15:35.226
We had come home from Naval a few days before rectal fest so we could sign up for classes at North Platte.

00:15:35.706 --> 00:15:37.906
That's the name of our high school in Vegas.

00:15:38.846 --> 00:15:45.046
Me and Taj were both starting 10th grade, but I'm a year older which means I can drive.

00:15:46.246 --> 00:15:54.106
I signed up for the easiest classes I could find, with the exception of the North Platte Gazette, our school newspaper.

00:15:54.966 --> 00:16:03.606
I worked a sweetheart deal with the editor, whereby I got to work at the Gazette during my last period of class and score three credits.

00:16:04.686 --> 00:16:12.506
Blue sorta conned me into this, talking dad into giving me a bigger allowance since I wouldn't be able to get an after school job.

00:16:13.406 --> 00:16:16.666
Like dad would let me do that during the school year anyway.

00:16:18.666 --> 00:16:23.046
Steven was getting a connecting flight to Colorado after we landed in Las Vegas.

00:16:24.146 --> 00:16:27.706
I chewed up the clock in the airport working on my interviewing skills.

00:16:28.526 --> 00:16:32.966
Drinks are free in the VIP lounge, so Steven was pretty sloshed.

00:16:33.726 --> 00:16:36.146
I knew it wouldn't be hard to get him to open up.

00:16:38.286 --> 00:16:40.406
Every rock band has a drug dealer.

00:16:40.866 --> 00:16:44.706
With the rectal surgeons, that person is Steven Finch.

00:16:45.626 --> 00:16:54.246
Dad, also known as Scotty Sphincter, Slickfond Slop and Gaseous Iglesias are all doctors who don't use any drugs at all.

00:16:54.806 --> 00:16:56.486
At least as far as I know.

00:16:57.386 --> 00:16:59.466
Drinking is another thing.

00:17:00.326 --> 00:17:03.466
These rump rangers could bankrupt a cash bar.

00:17:04.406 --> 00:17:12.106
Anyway, Steven's job is to keep the roadies loaded up with weed and magic mushrooms so they don't waste time trying to score it on their own.

00:17:13.066 --> 00:17:18.646
Steven must be good at what he does because he's been on all four tours with the rectal surgeons.

00:17:20.866 --> 00:17:27.706
After ordering a strawberry daiquiri which the waitress served minus the rum, I asked Steven about his job history.

00:17:28.786 --> 00:17:33.786
Just like I thought, Steven has been selling kush since he was a teenager.

00:17:34.686 --> 00:17:37.986
He had some funny stories about his early days in the business.

00:17:38.686 --> 00:17:42.606
I fired off a bunch of questions about how he was able to dodge the cops.

00:17:43.586 --> 00:17:48.906
There were a lot of years when Steven was slipping around trying to keep his skinny ass out of jail.

00:17:49.866 --> 00:17:55.606
Now he sells weed legally at a pot shop in Boulder called Agent Orange.

00:17:56.586 --> 00:18:00.186
Before Blue got hitched to Dad, she owned half the business.

00:18:01.066 --> 00:18:07.886
Now that Steven has all the marbles, he can't help bragging about how he rakes in money hand over fist.

00:18:08.786 --> 00:18:11.606
Steven doesn't even need the job with the rectal surgeons.

00:18:12.206 --> 00:18:14.446
He just tags along to score chicks.

00:18:15.386 --> 00:18:17.226
It's a great gig if you can get it.

00:18:19.446 --> 00:18:23.626
My VIP lounge talk with Steven was very instructive.

00:18:24.666 --> 00:18:28.726
When our plane finally took off, I was too amped to sleep.

00:18:29.526 --> 00:18:38.806
I got out the notebook Taj and I use to write down the pranks we like to pull, affectionately known as missions since most of them happen in Utah.

00:18:39.706 --> 00:18:49.866
The goal of my drug manifesto was to earn enough money to pay for all our girlfriends, but not get caught by the police or worse, our dads.

00:18:51.146 --> 00:18:54.106
This meant we couldn't get greedy.

00:18:54.746 --> 00:19:03.066
We'd have to keep our harvests small, which really wasn't a choice anyway since Blue annihilated all but a few plants from the oasis.

00:19:04.146 --> 00:19:06.586
Taj and I picked the surviving buds.

00:19:07.226 --> 00:19:11.586
There wasn't even enough to fill a coffee can, which was depressing.

00:19:12.486 --> 00:19:22.026
Before we left, Taj planted some seeds in a spongy spot near a group of leafy bushes, hoping the foliage would camouflage whatever came up.

00:19:23.426 --> 00:19:28.986
I just about shit my shorts when we went back to check on our plants a few weeks later.

00:19:29.726 --> 00:19:32.766
It was the freaking little shop of horrors.

00:19:33.366 --> 00:19:38.746
I'm not exaggerating when I say these mothers were taller than the bushes we'd planted them under.

00:19:39.706 --> 00:19:46.906
Taj and I picked buds until our hands were so sticky with resin we couldn't pull our fingers apart.

00:19:48.226 --> 00:19:52.566
I got a brain boner thinking about the mint we were about to make.

00:19:53.246 --> 00:20:02.186
That's when Taj harsht my mellow by saying, if we acted like pigs and turned the oasis into Zuckerman's farm, we'd get caught for sure.

00:20:02.886 --> 00:20:06.646
Either blue or some nitwit from Naval would find out.

00:20:07.586 --> 00:20:14.746
We'd have to keep our harvests small and sell to just the right clients if we wanted to keep our butts out of the slammer.

00:20:16.886 --> 00:20:22.606
On the distribution end of things, Steven Finch passed on some good advice without even knowing it.

00:20:23.506 --> 00:20:30.786
When Steven was my age, he used a pop-up tent as his personal weed emporium so he wouldn't get busted at school.

00:20:31.526 --> 00:20:32.586
Point taken, dude.

00:20:33.226 --> 00:20:35.906
Everyone knows who the dealers are at North Platte High.

00:20:36.326 --> 00:20:42.066
They usually don't last long because someone narks them off and they get booted from campus for life.

00:20:44.226 --> 00:20:49.126
Figuring out how to get Agent Orange to our customers wasn't much of a challenge either.

00:20:49.886 --> 00:20:53.726
I spent the whole summer in Naval working in the distribution business.

00:20:54.706 --> 00:21:04.026
While Taj was making pettifords at A Taste of Heaven bakery, I was running a lunch delivery service that paid me three times as much.

00:21:05.126 --> 00:21:07.266
I could do the same thing with weed.

00:21:08.246 --> 00:21:09.846
Not in Naval, obviously.

00:21:10.466 --> 00:21:14.786
Everyone who lives there is Mormon, which means they don't drink or smoke.

00:21:15.606 --> 00:21:18.346
Las Vegas was a whole different deal.

00:21:20.366 --> 00:21:24.986
My distribution plan was to show up at the client's house with a pizza box.

00:21:25.886 --> 00:21:32.226
No one would think a thing about me running up to the door, handing over a box, and pocketing some cash.

00:21:33.306 --> 00:21:39.146
Also working in my favor, I look more like a pizza guy than a stoner, which I'm not anyway.

00:21:39.986 --> 00:21:46.546
Steven Finch, on the other hand, looks exactly like the dealer McDope that he is.

00:21:47.666 --> 00:21:50.986
It's a wonder Steven never got fingered by the cops.

00:21:52.126 --> 00:21:59.846
Just to make sure Dad never catches on, I plan to buy pre-paid phone cards and use them with my old cell phone.

00:22:00.766 --> 00:22:05.386
That way, if Dad ever snoops on my new cell, I won't get caught.

00:22:07.526 --> 00:22:17.566
Thanks to Dad putting Blue in a family way and then bragging about it on YouTube, we went to Naval a lot during the fall of 2008.

00:22:18.466 --> 00:22:24.066
The paparazzi was back to bugging my family, eager to get a picture of a pregnant Mrs.

00:22:24.086 --> 00:22:25.186
Scottie Sphincter.

00:22:26.086 --> 00:22:30.606
Because of this, Blue decided to have her baby at the Naval Base Hospital.

00:22:31.286 --> 00:22:35.106
This meant we were going to Utah a couple of weekends every month.

00:22:36.206 --> 00:22:41.806
Taj was hot and heavy with Danica, a lifeguard he met at the Naval City Pool last summer.

00:22:42.786 --> 00:22:48.006
I was stringing along a number of hotties, happy to not be tied down like Taj.

00:22:49.526 --> 00:22:54.386
It was one of those autumns that was just golden in every way.

00:22:55.366 --> 00:23:06.766
Dad and Blue were falling all over each other about the baby, my sister Lexi got to hang out with Blue's twin nieces at Gecko's Gulch, and Taj and I learned how to grow killer weed.

00:23:07.686 --> 00:23:16.306
When we weren't tending to our plants in the oasis, we soaked up the sun, cruising around on the ATV's dad keeps at Legacy Grove.

00:23:17.266 --> 00:23:22.306
We grilled out a lot, eating most of our dinners at the picnic table near the orchard.

00:23:24.186 --> 00:23:30.626
Blue and her twin, Moon, were born on Halloween, so there's always a big celebration in Utah.

00:23:31.406 --> 00:23:39.186
This year, Blue wanted to have the party at Legacy Grove instead of Gecko's Gulch since the renovations were finally finished.

00:23:40.246 --> 00:23:44.926
Blue decorates for Halloween like Martha Stewart colliding with Tim Burton.

00:23:45.566 --> 00:23:48.106
Dad knows how to put together killer costumes.

00:23:48.746 --> 00:23:51.126
It was a spooktacular combo.

00:23:52.226 --> 00:23:56.886
During the week when we were in Vegas, we'd go out for dinner after dad got off work.

00:23:57.986 --> 00:24:02.486
We'd load up on burgers or Asian food before hitting the Halloween stores.

00:24:03.246 --> 00:24:10.646
Dad wanted to make sure I wouldn't wrap my jeep around a light pole so he'd follow behind Taj and me in Blue's SUV.

00:24:11.266 --> 00:24:15.706
Lots of times, we needed both rigs to take home all the stuff we bought.

00:24:17.086 --> 00:24:21.266
Dad has this thing about making our family do a group costume.

00:24:21.886 --> 00:24:25.806
It's dorky for sure, but we've done it ever since I was born.

00:24:26.646 --> 00:24:30.646
This year, we decided to go as characters from the game Clue.

00:24:31.506 --> 00:24:33.846
I had to flip Dad for Colonel Mustard.

00:24:34.666 --> 00:24:37.946
I won, and he got stuck being Professor Plum.

00:24:38.726 --> 00:24:42.526
My sister Lexi was actually pretty funny as Miss Peacock.

00:24:43.346 --> 00:24:50.146
Lexi was so stoked about her rhinestone cat-eye glasses that she started wearing them for real.

00:24:51.046 --> 00:24:57.686
The lenses were glass, so they didn't give Lexi a headache or anything, but it embarrassed the hell out of me.

00:24:58.766 --> 00:25:05.186
I don't know if this was on purpose or not, but Blue looked totally hot in her Miss Scarlet costume.

00:25:05.926 --> 00:25:12.106
I almost got into a fistfight when Keifer Nichols, a guy we know in Navel, called her a MILF.

00:25:13.246 --> 00:25:16.106
Keifer's such a churchy goober snatch.

00:25:16.466 --> 00:25:24.266
He calls MILFs, Mothers I'd Like to Finger, which is even more disgusting than Mothers I'd Like to Fuck.

00:25:25.466 --> 00:25:30.126
Blue wasn't really showing much, but everyone in Navel knew she was preggers.

00:25:31.006 --> 00:25:33.686
Who calls a pregnant woman a MILF anyway?

00:25:34.466 --> 00:25:38.006
Apparently, the son of her ex-boyfriend Kip Nichols.

00:25:38.746 --> 00:25:39.866
What a douche.

00:25:42.066 --> 00:25:46.486
Halloween was on a Wednesday, so we started celebrating the weekend before.

00:25:47.306 --> 00:25:54.966
The stone packing shed at Legacy Grove was so tricked out, Moon's twins begged to use it for their school party.

00:25:55.906 --> 00:25:59.086
We did a thing during the afternoon for their friends from Navel.

00:25:59.726 --> 00:26:03.486
It was pretty fun, considering all the attendees were ankle biters.

00:26:04.586 --> 00:26:08.246
One of the games involved donuts tied to the ceiling with string.

00:26:09.006 --> 00:26:11.626
Everyone had to eat one using just their mouth.

00:26:12.366 --> 00:26:15.946
The main chow was wood-fired pizzas and barbecued chicken.

00:26:17.026 --> 00:26:20.386
Dad loves to cook as long as he can do it outside.

00:26:21.186 --> 00:26:28.446
As part of the remodel, he installed a full outdoor kitchen next to the shed, including a brick oven for pizza.

00:26:30.426 --> 00:26:38.306
On the morning of the Halloween party, Taj went to a Taste of Heaven bakery to make a pumpkin spice cake for Blue and Moon's birthday.

00:26:39.066 --> 00:26:42.706
Since Taj worked there last summer, they let him use their kitchen.

00:26:43.686 --> 00:26:47.186
I don't make fun of Taj for being the little prince of pastries.

00:26:47.606 --> 00:26:52.046
He cooks better than anyone I know, including my grandma and my dad.

00:26:53.086 --> 00:26:55.846
Our families wind up eating together all the time.

00:26:56.406 --> 00:26:59.346
Taj does most of the cooking, unless we barbecue.

00:27:01.546 --> 00:27:05.526
After the kids' Halloween party, the adults wanted to get sauced.

00:27:06.286 --> 00:27:13.006
Dad paid me and Taj $50 each to take Lexi and the twins to the corn maze at Stratton Farms.

00:27:13.846 --> 00:27:17.226
It was so huge, we got lost for real.

00:27:17.986 --> 00:27:22.546
We had to log on to the cheat sheet posted on the website just to find our way out.

00:27:24.066 --> 00:27:26.446
Blue wasn't drinking on account of Rudy.

00:27:27.086 --> 00:27:32.386
That's the name she started calling my little brother even though she didn't know for sure he was a boy.

00:27:33.066 --> 00:27:34.506
It started out as a joke.

00:27:35.186 --> 00:27:40.646
She'd call him Rude Boy every time he kicked her in the stomach, which was a lot.

00:27:41.666 --> 00:27:44.126
After a while, she shortened it to Rudy.

00:27:45.966 --> 00:27:50.866
Dad looked like he wasn't feeling any pain when we got back from the corn maze.

00:27:51.606 --> 00:27:56.626
That's why I was surprised to find him wandering around in the stone packing shed the next morning.

00:27:57.346 --> 00:28:02.206
I had gotten up early to snag any half empty bottles of booze that may have been left behind.

00:28:03.066 --> 00:28:09.906
Dad was sitting on the ginormous sectional sofa in the bar area, dropping big crocodile tears.

00:28:10.786 --> 00:28:11.646
What's wrong, Dad?

00:28:12.046 --> 00:28:13.866
I asked, suddenly panicked.

00:28:14.366 --> 00:28:15.766
Is something happening with the baby?

00:28:16.446 --> 00:28:18.526
No, nothing was wrong with Rudy.

00:28:19.226 --> 00:28:20.166
At least not then.

00:28:21.066 --> 00:28:23.546
Dad was just sad that Halloween was over.

00:28:24.446 --> 00:28:31.346
I'm usually not sappy, but on this occasion, I gave Dad a big hug and said, there's always Thanksgiving.

00:28:33.446 --> 00:28:37.526
Hard to believe, but November was even more fun than October.

00:28:38.506 --> 00:28:40.666
Blue was restless because of the baby.

00:28:41.146 --> 00:28:45.086
We'd sit up talking and eating ice cream while everyone else was asleep.

00:28:45.826 --> 00:28:48.926
She'd go over my stories for the North Platte Gazette.

00:28:49.786 --> 00:28:58.246
It didn't take long for me to form this insane superstition that whatever I wrote was Colonel-laden crap unless she'd read it first.

00:28:59.286 --> 00:29:01.626
I almost quit the Gazette when she died.

00:29:02.326 --> 00:29:10.466
The only reason I didn't was because the summer internship I had lined up at the NAVA Weekly banner was based on me already writing for the Gazette.

00:29:11.606 --> 00:29:15.186
I was going to be the youngest intern they ever had at the banner.

00:29:15.886 --> 00:29:17.086
I was kind of proud of that.

00:29:19.026 --> 00:29:25.506
We had Thanksgiving dinner at Legacy Grove which kicked off the best four days our family ever had.

00:29:26.446 --> 00:29:36.086
While everyone else in the world was knocking themselves over at Black Friday sales just so they could save 35 cents on a Nintendo, we were on a scavenger hunt.

00:29:36.946 --> 00:29:41.666
Before Blue, our family used to spend our vacations at fancy resorts.

00:29:42.746 --> 00:29:52.166
I had more fun following clues and collecting plastic gold coins in the desert than all the days we spent in Hawaii and Disneyland put together.

00:29:53.226 --> 00:29:59.306
The next day, Saturday, we went on our annual Hog Wild ATV ride.

00:30:00.006 --> 00:30:04.206
Just like last year, a bunch of dad's friends from Las Vegas showed up.

00:30:04.866 --> 00:30:09.066
We kicked up so much dust you could probably see it in Naval.

00:30:10.106 --> 00:30:14.466
After the ride, we all went to Gecko's Gulch for chili and cornbread.

00:30:15.346 --> 00:30:19.106
Now that Blue's dead, I guess we won't be doing that anymore.

00:30:20.066 --> 00:30:23.246
Just another reason I hate Blue McKenna.

00:30:24.186 --> 00:30:28.086
I have to wonder then why I feel so damn sad.

00:30:29.566 --> 00:30:33.886
Can't wait to hear the rest of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park?

00:30:34.526 --> 00:30:38.726
Get ghosted today on Audible, Spotify, and Barnes & Noble.

00:30:39.466 --> 00:30:40.906
Meow, bitches.

00:30:41.806 --> 00:30:45.826
I really don't like audio books, but this one kicks ass.

00:30:46.206 --> 00:30:51.406
Let's Talk Pets, every week on demand, only on petliferadio.com.