Puss-n-Boots
Does your cat like to dress for success? Must be the season of the witch! Today on Quirky Cat Nips, we'll discuss just how much Americans are willing to shell out for quirky cat costumes this Halloween. Meow Kitties!
Listen to Episode #38 Now:
Transcript:
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Announcer: This is Pet Life Radio.
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Announcer: Let's talk pets.
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Announcer: Cat lovers and feline friends, it's time for Adele Park's Quirky Cat Nips.
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Announcer: Today on The Quirky Cat Nips Podcast, we're airing a chapter of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, which we will do until the entire audio book has been broadcasted.
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Announcer: We invite all you kitties to kick back now, relax and enjoy Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted by Adele Park.
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Announcer: Audio Recording St.
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Announcer: George Presents Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted Written, produced, and edited by Adele Park Narrated by a full cast.
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A Directive from Gertrude Fletcher, Head of the Naval Utah Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Part 19.
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Delfina Fletcher played a starring role in both My Death and Blue McKenna's.
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Yes, Delfina was an obtuse character, but like me, she never betrayed anyone.
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It was Delfina who was betrayed.
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First, by a crime syndicate who bankrupted her family and sullied her maiden heritage.
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Then, by those members of said heritage who didn't put forth any effort to find out what happened to Delfina, choosing instead to barter in rumor and speculation.
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Delfina lived a life of secrecy to protect those she loved.
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So did I.
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That's why I took my work for the FBI with me to the grave.
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I never deceived my husband Boyd.
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I simply withheld certain details concerning my past.
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To have done otherwise would have placed Boyd in jeopardy, especially given his obsession with mob-related activities that once took place at Juniper Hollow.
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Although I no longer worked for those people, I was keenly aware of how dangerous they are.
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Likewise, I did not disclose my breast cancer diagnosis with Boyd.
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He would have pressured me to seek treatment that would have been painful, humiliating, and possibly a waste of time and money.
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That certainly was the case when my mother battled the disease, which she lost along with her hair and body mass.
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I'm thin enough.
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I didn't need chemo treatments whittling me down.
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While I didn't share Boyd's passion for snooping around Juniper Hollow, I was interested in his stories about Delphina.
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Boyd's telling of a visit from a frightening figure in the days following Delphina's disappearance intrigued me primarily because it seemed to confirm some strange images I'd seen more than once while driving over the bridge at Juniper Hollow.
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When the pain from the cancer was becoming too much to bear, I ended it without help or fuss from anyone, unless you count Delphina.
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She was there all right, a wavering white image beckoning me on the bridge.
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I think we were both surprised when I gunned my vehicle and headed straight towards her at full speed.
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The impact was enough to knock my lights out, but unfortunately, it didn't result in an investigation leading to the body of Delphina.
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It's a pity her fate now rests in the paws of that temperamental cat, Skitters.
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In case you haven't noticed, you've been ghosted.
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Chapter 19, Skitters the Cat.
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Announcer: I'd like to kill Blue McKenna.
00:04:17.192 --> 00:04:21.052
Announcer: No one knows how to foul up a party quite like her.
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Announcer: Everyone agreed the big gay concert in Central Park was a rectalrific success.
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Announcer: Scottie Sphincter looked like he finally had a pulse again.
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Announcer: Everyone showed up at Legacy Grove for the after party, including the entire entourage for the rectal surgeons, plus Jasper Stratton and his posse of sweat house commandos.
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Announcer: Taj made waffles for the family, surrendering the kitchen when the troops started arriving in mass.
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Announcer: I don't understand how anyone could have eaten anything following that phantasmal pesticide Blue sprayed all across the room.
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Announcer: She was trying to get everyone's attention.
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Announcer: I'm the only one who noticed.
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Announcer: I retreated to the back of the couch, only to be chased outside by Blue's insidiously detestable green fumes.
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Announcer: On the porch, I gulped in the fresh air, trying to erase that atrocious odor.
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Announcer: Cats may lick their own butts, but we don't eat waffles that smell like they've been marinated in baby turds.
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Announcer: Danica, Taj's fake squeeze, didn't seem to mind, gulping down a massive plate of food.
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Announcer: Danica had to be home by midnight, or she'd turn into a pumpkin so she was eating quickly.
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Announcer: My twin handlers were falling asleep in their chairs and were subsequently shuffled off to Gecko's Gulch by a baby tender.
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Announcer: I stayed at Legacy Grove with Randall and Moon, while the after-concert drinking commenced in earnest.
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Announcer: Brandon swiped a bottle of Jack Daniels and disappeared to Scotty's Practice Shed with Taj.
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Announcer: They were back to being dumb and dumber.
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Announcer: I tagged along after them, happy to be away from that blast of putrid steam Blue released in the house.
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Announcer: Now that the concert was over, their new focus was on Eleanor Snodgrass, a Maine Coon kitten preening her fur at an overpriced cattery in Las Vegas.
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Announcer: Brandon seemed relieved things were back to normal with Taj.
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Announcer: It had been a tense summer between those two.
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Announcer: In an act of supreme generosity, Brandon told Taj he could name his new kitty.
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Announcer: Taj came up with Eleanor Snodgrass, thinking he'd burn Brandon with his supremely stodgy name.
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Announcer: Personally, I like the name Eleanor, even though it sounds like it ought to be attached to one of those antique dolls with the weird, glassy eyes dressed in vintage clothing.
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Announcer: The twins used to have some.
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Announcer: I've worn a few of those dresses.
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Announcer: They looked way less fringe-core on me than those zombie dolls, that's for sure.
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Announcer: Taj might have been feeling better, but I was deeply disappointed Brandon didn't do the socially responsible thing and adopt a rescue.
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Announcer: Instead, he hit his dad up for an outrageous amount of cat cash, knowing that he had Scotty by the tea bags.
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Announcer: Most quality felines originally come from the streets.
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Announcer: Miss Kitty and I to cite a few notable examples.
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Announcer: On the upside, Elinor Snodgrass is a gorgeous breed, cloaked in the most lickable fur.
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Announcer: I have an open relationship with Miss Kitty, not like the polygamist arrangement proposed by Miss Kitty's sister Harriet, who lived by the adage, one cat leads to another.
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Announcer: Eventually, Harriet's handler moved them out of navel.
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Announcer: I miss Harriet's fiery orange fur and personality to match, though not the headaches of dealing with a girlfriend who wants to canoodle every cat in sight.
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Announcer: I agreed to this side hustles are okay rule with Miss Kitty, just to show I'm mature enough to handle it.
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Announcer: Miss Kitty is stuck on Granite Ridge most of the time, so until Cupcake came along, all this was just in theory.
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Announcer: Now that it might really be happening, I'll have Eleanor Snodgrass as a backup whenever Brandon is visiting.
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Announcer: As for Cupcake, the matted mangy dog of Juniper Hollow, he ought to be afraid, very afraid.
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Announcer: Have you ever seen the size of a full grown Maine coon?
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Announcer: Christ, they're as big as a wallaby.
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Announcer: Brandon better hope Eleanor Snodgrass likes to poop outside.
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Announcer: Otherwise, he'll need a lot more than that dainty shovel that comes with the litter box.
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Announcer: On the subject of purging the poop from one's life, if Blue would pull her head out of her ghostly ass for a freaking second, maybe we would clear the air.
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Announcer: The way I understand it is, Blue can't leave until Boyd Fletcher's grandmother gets her day of reckoning.
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Announcer: This means we have to flesh out the old stinker.
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Announcer: Success will hinge on Blue, which means we're probably all screwed.
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Announcer: Dealing with Blue on any level of existence is a nightmare come true.
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Announcer: A fact she underscored by bringing hell earth side.
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Announcer: There was another woman in the mix too.
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Announcer: Gertrude Fletcher.
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Announcer: She was small, even shorter than Blue.
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Announcer: She stood on the sidelines watching Blue make some very bad decisions regarding the grubslinging ghost trapped in the piling.
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Announcer: I don't know if Blue politely knocked on the pillar encasing Delphina, or if she taunted her out of her tomb.
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Announcer: Either way, the end result was that Blue unleashed a fire-breathing gargoyle who looked like she'd been through a few swirls in the garbage disposal.
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Announcer: The smell Delphina kicked up was even worse.
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Announcer: Good God Almighty if there is one.
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Announcer: Surely, no celestial being would have created something as monstrous as Boyd's grandmother.
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Announcer: Cupcake, the overpriced potty patter, made sure the situation went completely off the rails.
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Announcer: The little ankle-biter got left behind when his handler, Kelly, bottomed out on drugs.
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Announcer: Miss Kitty said Cupcake was sad.
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Announcer: Why?
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Announcer: Kelly is little more than a double-D ditz, dressed like she just walked out of a Mary Kay Cosmetics convention.
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Announcer: Perhaps the failure to fire the synapses in the cerebrum is the thing Cupcake and Kelly have in common.
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Announcer: Cupcake was responsible for what happened next.
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Announcer: Unable to control his compulsive barking, the ogre under the bridge chimed in with the chorus of ear-splitting sounds.
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Announcer: Great shades of Satan!
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Announcer: I've never heard such a squall.
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Announcer: Delphina sounded like a cat in heat who just had their butt rubbed with turpentine.
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Announcer: I thought my ear drums would rupture.
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Announcer: Cupcake, now completely insane in the membrane, started whizzing uncontrollably.
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Announcer: Every time the little yapper turned around, he sent out a stream of pee, hitting everyone within range.
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Announcer: Backing out of the splash zone, I held my ground until Boyd figured out his grandmother had become a jack in the box entombed in the bridge piling at Juniper Hollow.
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Announcer: Boyd could see Delphina.
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Announcer: I could tell by the way he just stood there gawking while everyone else flipped out.
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Announcer: One of the twins was crying, nursing a scraped knee.
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Announcer: Yeah, I made that happen, but it was a hell of a lot nicer than saddling my little handler with PTSD.
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Announcer: In Cupcake's case, PTSD means pissed, as in I've pissed on everyone within range.
00:11:52.212 --> 00:12:03.212
Announcer: Cats don't normally like baths, but I'm half tempted to take a swim in the lake at Juniper Hollow just to cleanse any potential overspray from my luxurious coat.
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Announcer: Then I remembered the Polygamists used that lake to discard the droolers, who were born a few chromosomes shy of intellect due to the constant inbreeding in Zion flats.
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Announcer: Hang tight, kitties.
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Announcer: We'll be back in a scratch.
00:12:22.832 --> 00:12:24.532
Announcer: Pack your bags, kitties.
00:12:24.532 --> 00:12:28.112
Announcer: It's time to take a trip to quirky cannabis country.
00:12:28.112 --> 00:12:35.832
Announcer: Find out what happens when a rider turns to reality TV as a way to cure an apocalyptic case of writer's block.
00:12:35.832 --> 00:12:40.052
Announcer: Reefer Madness ensues in Quirky Cannabis Country by Adele Park.
00:12:40.872 --> 00:12:46.472
Announcer: Get Quirky Cannabis Country today on audible.com, Overdrive and Bookbeat.
00:12:48.492 --> 00:12:51.472
Announcer: Ready for the biggest cat celebration in the world?
00:12:51.472 --> 00:12:58.212
Announcer: Come to the CFA International Cat Show and Expo in Cleveland, Ohio on October 12th and 13th.
00:12:58.212 --> 00:13:06.472
Announcer: The Expo is the world's grandest cat celebration, seamlessly blending pedigree cat exhibitions with feline welfare and rescue initiatives.
00:13:06.852 --> 00:13:17.432
Announcer: It captivates over 10,000 feline enthusiasts each year, celebrating all cats, whether rescue or pedigree, in a shared spirit of love and unity.
00:13:17.432 --> 00:13:22.152
Announcer: Dive into cat-themed activations and enlightening educational sessions.
00:13:22.152 --> 00:13:30.752
Announcer: Marvel at 1,000 non-pedigree and pedigree cats, adoptable felines, and explore over 100 cat-themed vendors.
00:13:30.752 --> 00:13:35.412
Announcer: It's an event dedicated to honoring our beloved felines and their admirers.
00:13:35.752 --> 00:13:39.032
Announcer: And guess what feline influencers are coming to meet and greet?
00:13:39.032 --> 00:13:48.072
Announcer: YouTube cat video sensation Aaron's Animals, as well as Nathan the Cat Lady, Lambo, Leesha, Chupy, and many, many more.
00:13:48.072 --> 00:13:52.872
Announcer: Gather your cat crew and do whatever it takes to head to the CFA Cat Expo.
00:13:52.872 --> 00:13:57.532
Announcer: It's a whisker-wiggling, tail-twirling extravaganza you won't want to miss.
00:13:57.532 --> 00:14:02.292
Announcer: Get your tickets at cfacatexpo.com, that's cfacatexpo.com.
00:14:05.832 --> 00:14:10.192
Announcer: Let's Talk Pest on PetLife Radio.
00:14:10.192 --> 00:14:12.412
Announcer: petliferadio.com.
00:14:18.353 --> 00:14:24.233
Announcer: Moon hustled both of the twins into her SUV, then rejoined Boyd under the bridge.
00:14:24.233 --> 00:14:31.433
Announcer: He was just standing there, sadly staring at the place where his entombed grandmother screeched and stormed.
00:14:31.433 --> 00:14:38.673
Announcer: I'm not sure if he could hear her, but there is no mistaking the angry vibration coming out of that pillar.
00:14:38.673 --> 00:14:48.433
Announcer: Blue, clearly scared by this woman, hung around the sidelines like a football player hoping to avoid a concussion by not joining in the fracas.
00:14:48.433 --> 00:14:53.993
Announcer: She had to be there, of course, because Moon wasn't going to act on her behalf otherwise.
00:14:53.993 --> 00:14:57.893
Announcer: It took a second for Moon to see her dearly departed twin.
00:14:57.893 --> 00:15:06.873
Announcer: After registering that this green skunk meat was her sister, Moon actually moved toward the noxious fumes, arms outstretched.
00:15:06.873 --> 00:15:08.953
Announcer: I felt kind of bad for her.
00:15:08.953 --> 00:15:09.613
Announcer: Moon, that is.
00:15:10.373 --> 00:15:14.713
Announcer: Blue can screw herself into the next lifetime as far as I'm concerned.
00:15:14.713 --> 00:15:20.053
Announcer: Whatever weird kind of embrace Moon was hoping for failed miserably.
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Announcer: Her arms disappeared into the mist.
00:15:22.713 --> 00:15:30.833
Announcer: Later, when I overheard Moon discussing this with her husband, Randall, she said the gesture left her arms feeling moist.
00:15:30.833 --> 00:15:32.173
Announcer: Ew!
00:15:32.173 --> 00:15:36.273
Announcer: Just saying the word moist gives me the willies.
00:15:36.273 --> 00:15:40.813
Announcer: Doubly so when considering the source of said moisture.
00:15:40.813 --> 00:15:44.573
Announcer: Geez, Blue is such a sewer weasel.
00:15:44.573 --> 00:15:58.233
Announcer: Scotty Sphincter, taking advantage of his newfound bromance with Jasper Stratton, didn't have much trouble negotiating the opening of the pillar, especially since Boyd offered to pay for the repairs.
00:15:58.233 --> 00:16:11.013
Announcer: The operation required a little delicacy, not because Delphina was any kind of exotic flower, but because she has the power to set off a nuclear stink bomb.
00:16:11.013 --> 00:16:17.773
Announcer: These dumbasses who walk on two legs still couldn't hear her, but there's no mistaking the tremor.
00:16:17.773 --> 00:16:21.993
Announcer: The whole damn bridge was practically quivering.
00:16:21.993 --> 00:16:27.733
Announcer: Opening Delphina's tomb was just a little trickier than originally anticipated.
00:16:27.733 --> 00:16:33.533
Announcer: In order to protect the integrity of the bridge, a temporary piling had to be seeded underneath.
00:16:34.573 --> 00:16:37.553
Announcer: It took two days to find a company out of St.
00:16:37.553 --> 00:16:39.833
Announcer: George that had the right equipment.
00:16:39.833 --> 00:16:43.053
Announcer: Then another day to shore up the bridge.
00:16:43.053 --> 00:16:51.393
Announcer: Opening the seam just enough to shine a flashlight inside was like releasing a pressure valve of poisonous fumes.
00:16:51.393 --> 00:16:58.713
Announcer: A wave of the most odious air blew out, nearly knocking the structural engineer off his feet.
00:16:58.713 --> 00:17:01.293
Announcer: They let Boyd do the honors.
00:17:01.293 --> 00:17:02.453
Announcer: She was in there, all right.
00:17:03.293 --> 00:17:07.633
Announcer: Nothing but bones dressed in a tattered white nightgown.
00:17:07.633 --> 00:17:12.993
Announcer: After the crime scene people did their thing, they allowed Boyd to carry her out.
00:17:12.993 --> 00:17:19.573
Announcer: Cradling the bundle of bones like a sleeping child, Boyd made an unsteady climb up the embankment.
00:17:19.573 --> 00:17:23.293
Announcer: All the humans stopped talking and just stared.
00:17:23.293 --> 00:17:26.093
Announcer: It was the saddest thing ever.
00:17:26.093 --> 00:17:28.953
Announcer: Miss Kitty was unconsolable.
00:17:28.953 --> 00:17:35.873
Announcer: Cupcake went completely off the reservation, barking and whining like a little bitch.
00:17:35.873 --> 00:17:45.333
Announcer: I bounced between the two of them, attempting to comfort Miss Kitty while trying to shut down the clap trap attached to Cupcake's snout.
00:17:45.333 --> 00:17:48.333
Announcer: I failed in both areas.
00:17:48.333 --> 00:17:57.513
Announcer: Boyd, meanwhile, finished his mournful slog to the coroner's van, gently placing Delphina on the gurney for transport to Naval.
00:17:57.513 --> 00:18:02.353
Announcer: People don't consider cats to be eavesdroppers, and technically we aren't.
00:18:02.353 --> 00:18:05.493
Announcer: Not so in the case of Delphina Fletcher.
00:18:05.493 --> 00:18:10.913
Announcer: I wanted to know what this poltergeist from the stench trench was all about.
00:18:10.913 --> 00:18:15.513
Announcer: And in a rare moment of agreement, Blue did too.
00:18:15.513 --> 00:18:25.553
Announcer: Though silent up until this point, when questioned, Gertrude relayed a fountain of interesting data which only Blue and the animals could hear.
00:18:25.553 --> 00:18:28.433
Announcer: Was Delphina the angel Boyd made her out to be?
00:18:29.573 --> 00:18:33.913
Announcer: Not unless the patron saint of Bathtub Djinn counts.
00:18:33.913 --> 00:18:37.993
Announcer: Delphina didn't run the distillery in the catacombs at Juniper Hollow.
00:18:37.993 --> 00:18:42.793
Announcer: She just did what it took to keep her family members out of the clink.
00:18:42.793 --> 00:18:51.353
Announcer: Delphina's role was to design places to hide people, money and booze and serve as a lookout when needed.
00:18:51.353 --> 00:18:58.013
Announcer: What she didn't do is run off with a mob the night she was interrogated along with Boyd's boozing father.
00:18:58.933 --> 00:19:05.353
Announcer: Only one person came out alive from that deal and it wasn't the right one.
00:19:05.353 --> 00:19:12.513
Announcer: What I was confused about was how the deceased director of the Department of Motor Vehicles factored into all this.
00:19:12.513 --> 00:19:17.053
Announcer: Blue, though none too bright, wondered the same thing.
00:19:17.053 --> 00:19:23.073
Announcer: Aside from being married to Boyd, Gertrude Fletcher didn't seem to have a clear motive.
00:19:23.073 --> 00:19:29.453
Announcer: Demanding answers, Blue threatened some kind of action, which didn't make any sense to me.
00:19:29.453 --> 00:19:32.613
Announcer: What mattered was Gertrude's reaction.
00:19:32.613 --> 00:19:35.953
Announcer: A look between defeat and resignation.
00:19:35.953 --> 00:19:41.733
Announcer: You're not gonna believe this, but Gertrude really had a thing for old Boyd.
00:19:41.733 --> 00:19:58.933
Announcer: Not wanting to rile up a man already steeped in paranoia and suspicion, Gertrude wisely didn't disclose that she'd been moonlighting for the FBI the entire time she worked for the family who owned the Double Deuces Casino in Las Vegas.
00:19:58.933 --> 00:20:05.593
Announcer: Sharing this information with Boyd wouldn't do anything except put people in danger.
00:20:05.593 --> 00:20:12.633
Announcer: On the subject of dying, Gertrude viewed her vehicular suicide as an act of love.
00:20:12.633 --> 00:20:19.433
Announcer: With nothing but time on her hands, Gertrude went into quite graphic detail about how her mother died of cancer.
00:20:20.433 --> 00:20:34.173
Announcer: Not wanting to burden Boyd with caring for someone in the end stages of this disease, Gertrude made a quick exit by deliberately slamming into the bridge, hoping to release Delphina in the process.
00:20:34.173 --> 00:20:41.173
Announcer: By the time Gertrude was done relaying this story, Blue was leaking oily green tears.
00:20:41.173 --> 00:20:44.153
Announcer: My God, this woman is disgusting.
00:20:44.153 --> 00:20:46.173
Announcer: Even her tears are pathetic.
00:20:46.913 --> 00:20:49.953
Announcer: The moral of Gertrude's story was this.
00:20:49.953 --> 00:20:52.133
Announcer: She did it all for love.
00:20:52.133 --> 00:20:54.133
Announcer: I'm not shitting you.
00:20:54.133 --> 00:20:59.073
Announcer: This little bureaucrat somehow even convinced me.
00:20:59.073 --> 00:21:05.373
Announcer: More importantly, I was firmly in Gertrude's camp that Blue belonged in the afterlife.
00:21:05.373 --> 00:21:11.713
Announcer: I didn't quite get Blue's sarcastic remarks about something called the Main Office.
00:21:11.713 --> 00:21:18.433
Announcer: I don't care if she lands on Scottie Sphincter's Uranus so long as she exits my orbit.
00:21:18.433 --> 00:21:29.093
Announcer: Now that Moon had caught a glimpse of the green mushroom soup that her twin had become, perhaps something could finally happen to eradicate this odorous gnat.
00:21:29.093 --> 00:21:31.993
Announcer: I listened in on Moon's call to Scottie.
00:21:31.993 --> 00:21:38.293
Announcer: She was telling him the thing they saw in the oasis when they spooked the Bejeepers out of the boys was definitely Blue.
00:21:39.273 --> 00:21:40.553
Announcer: Well, duh!
00:21:40.553 --> 00:21:44.273
Announcer: It doesn't take long for these diltards to catch on.
00:21:44.273 --> 00:21:56.293
Announcer: Moon and Scottie are apparently finished grinding each other's gears now that Randall is back in town and the house is once again filled with the happy sounds of my twin handlers.
00:21:56.293 --> 00:22:00.593
Announcer: I was sorry to give Brandon the shaft, but he's already moved on.
00:22:00.593 --> 00:22:09.113
Announcer: Somehow Brandon convinced his dad the struggle is real, and he needs Eleanor Snodgrass to serve as an emotional support animal.
00:22:09.113 --> 00:22:10.893
Announcer: Quit your snickering.
00:22:10.893 --> 00:22:18.733
Announcer: Animals do more to help you pathetic humans than everything in your well-stocked medicine cabinets put together.
00:22:18.733 --> 00:22:28.933
Announcer: It's a scientific fact that a furry snuggle or a well-placed bump kiss can lower blood pressure and release a flood of serotonin in the brain.
00:22:28.933 --> 00:22:36.393
Announcer: Better still, you can take a crap in the morning because cats don't back up the plumbing like prescription medications.
00:22:36.393 --> 00:22:45.373
Announcer: Cupcake is evidently the only animal in the solar system who can't do a simple thing like enable his handler to take a daily dump.
00:22:45.373 --> 00:22:51.453
Announcer: Pretty telling that Kelly is a high-ranking commander on the prescription pill Express.
00:22:51.453 --> 00:22:57.533
Announcer: Whoever brought Cupcake to the funeral for Delphina must have their brains stapled to their butt.
00:22:58.373 --> 00:23:04.173
Announcer: Having Cupcake on the scene was like trying to hide a colicky baby from the Nazis.
00:23:04.173 --> 00:23:06.993
Announcer: The yapping was maddening.
00:23:06.993 --> 00:23:15.733
Announcer: Amid the annoying clatter, Delphina was laid to rest in a spot close to the shore of the little lake with the gazebo at Juniper Hollow.
00:23:15.733 --> 00:23:22.273
Announcer: This could have been viewed as a truly generous offer from Jasper Stratton, but I have it on good authority.
00:23:22.273 --> 00:23:25.093
Announcer: He did it mostly for the publicity.
00:23:25.093 --> 00:23:33.893
Announcer: Delphina's tombstone faced east, giving her ghost, if there still was one, a direct view of Boyd's Cabin on Granite Ridge.
00:23:33.893 --> 00:23:40.973
Announcer: Further enhancing this PR opportunity, Jasper insisted on hosting a reception after the funeral.
00:23:40.973 --> 00:23:47.193
Announcer: In his typical clubby style, Jasper put on the spread of my dreams.
00:23:47.193 --> 00:23:53.353
Announcer: A battalion of cooks manned a row of grills, sizzling with hamburgers and bratwurst.
00:23:53.353 --> 00:23:58.953
Announcer: Crowd-sized kettles of potatoes in Dutch ovens roasted in buried coals.
00:23:58.953 --> 00:24:08.013
Announcer: Appetizers with spicy meats and cheese snuggled in breading circulated throughout the gathering, carried by women in color-coded uniforms.
00:24:08.013 --> 00:24:12.993
Announcer: This being a rather somber event, most of them wore black or light gray.
00:24:12.993 --> 00:24:17.993
Announcer: Someone had put pink, loofah-like bows on the top of Cupcake's head.
00:24:17.993 --> 00:24:22.033
Announcer: They looked like devil horns crafted from cotton candy.
00:24:22.033 --> 00:24:23.633
Announcer: Satan in sarsaparilla.
00:24:24.753 --> 00:24:32.673
Announcer: Ashamed by his recent whizzing incident, Cupcake hung around the edges of the crowd, salivating over all the free food.
00:24:32.673 --> 00:24:44.573
Announcer: Miss Kitty strutted over to give me an earful about being charitable to Cupcake, given that his handler, Kelly, with an I, was in rehab for too many rush limbaugh-like evenings.
00:24:44.573 --> 00:24:46.893
Announcer: Mightn't I lighten up a little?
00:24:46.893 --> 00:24:49.253
Announcer: No, I mightn't not.
00:24:49.253 --> 00:24:55.173
Announcer: Cupcake is a bleached brillo pad who uncontrollably pees on everything in range.
00:24:55.173 --> 00:24:57.653
Announcer: I don't have to like this bitch.
00:24:57.653 --> 00:25:03.613
Announcer: He's my competition, which means I ought to flatten Cupcake like a day-old pancake.
00:25:03.613 --> 00:25:08.053
Announcer: The Bon Voyage party for Blue was held at Sunrise the next morning.
00:25:08.053 --> 00:25:15.953
Announcer: This was a private event with just the Spinkle family and a few close friends gathering to escort Blue across the bridge.
00:25:15.953 --> 00:25:20.873
Announcer: It was a symbolic gesture meant to show Blue it was OK for her to move on.
00:25:21.573 --> 00:25:24.513
Announcer: Whatever it takes to get her out of here.
00:25:24.513 --> 00:25:29.993
Announcer: I walked right by her side, brushing up against Blue's damp air ankles.
00:25:29.993 --> 00:25:39.353
Announcer: I knew it would tick her off, but it served as an exclamation point on how miserable I'd make Blue's existence should she decide not to go.
00:25:39.353 --> 00:25:50.353
Announcer: Blue's ex-boyfriend, Kip Nichols, was notably left off the guest list, although I did see his squad car buzzing towards Naval as we left the bridge to head toward Legacy Grove.
00:25:51.173 --> 00:25:54.273
Announcer: Cupcake was there at the behest of Miss Kitty.
00:25:54.273 --> 00:26:08.593
Announcer: This being an event of monumental importance to anyone who wanted to rid themselves of the always annoying Blue McKenna, Cupcake wisely hung around the perimeter, taking care not to get close to either Blue or me.
00:26:08.593 --> 00:26:11.693
Announcer: The proceedings were somber and subdued.
00:26:11.693 --> 00:26:17.673
Announcer: I was the only one who could actually see Blue fade into the mist, though everyone sensed it.
00:26:18.373 --> 00:26:23.773
Announcer: Scotty and young Rudy didn't start crying until everyone was heading to their cars.
00:26:23.773 --> 00:26:27.893
Announcer: Rudy's tears were just a warning signal that he needed food.
00:26:27.893 --> 00:26:35.473
Announcer: Speaking of which, there wasn't anything served to properly mark what I viewed as a joyous occasion.
00:26:35.473 --> 00:26:46.673
Announcer: Someone had hastily grabbed some pre-packaged stuff from a Garden of Goodness grocery, which meant the entire spread consisted of pre-made chicken wraps and potato salad drowning in mayonnaise.
00:26:47.813 --> 00:26:49.953
Announcer: Taj looked disappointed.
00:26:49.953 --> 00:26:51.333
Announcer: I hear you, bro.
00:26:51.333 --> 00:26:56.853
Announcer: The spread was paltry for sure, especially compared to the day before.
00:26:56.853 --> 00:27:05.313
Announcer: Of course, no one cared but us two, which is why later that morning, Taj fried up some sausage for a spicy goulash.
00:27:05.313 --> 00:27:10.453
Announcer: It gave me a raging case of heartburn, but at least I didn't go to bed hungry.
00:27:10.453 --> 00:27:14.093
Announcer: At this point, you may be wondering if this story has a happy ending.
00:27:14.793 --> 00:27:19.653
Announcer: The answer is no, at least as far as me and Cupcake are concerned.
00:27:19.653 --> 00:27:24.293
Announcer: And Blue McKenna can rot in hell or wherever it is she ended up.
00:27:24.293 --> 00:27:31.113
Announcer: You're probably accustomed to hearing tales that conclude with everyone having a big mushy love fest.
00:27:31.113 --> 00:27:35.353
Announcer: Humans tell each other this crap because they can't handle reality.
00:27:35.353 --> 00:27:37.573
Announcer: Cats tell it like it is.
00:27:37.573 --> 00:27:41.493
Announcer: And right now, you can get over yourself or shove off, pal.
00:27:41.493 --> 00:27:42.873
Announcer: I really don't give a tinkle.
00:27:43.573 --> 00:27:46.173
Announcer: I've had it with your smug-ass attitude.
00:27:46.173 --> 00:27:54.013
Announcer: Just because I don't want to cozy up to a yappy, mashed garbanzo beans of a mutt doesn't make me an evil cat.
00:27:54.013 --> 00:27:56.473
Announcer: It makes me a cat.
00:27:56.473 --> 00:28:02.113
Announcer: God, can't you get this simple idea into your dull-witted brain?
00:28:02.113 --> 00:28:07.913
Announcer: Cupcake is putting the moves on my girl and we will never be friends.
00:28:07.913 --> 00:28:10.573
Announcer: Ditto for that swampy mess, Blue McKenna.
00:28:11.713 --> 00:28:14.593
Announcer: I don't have to indulge morons.
00:28:14.593 --> 00:28:18.393
Announcer: Anyone who thinks I should is a moron.
00:28:18.393 --> 00:28:21.673
Announcer: Here's something else I'll bet you don't want to hear.
00:28:21.673 --> 00:28:25.393
Announcer: Not everyone exited the stage with Elvis.
00:28:25.393 --> 00:28:28.013
Announcer: There's always a straggler.
00:28:28.013 --> 00:28:33.233
Announcer: I was surprised to discover in this case it was Gertrude Fletcher.
00:28:33.233 --> 00:28:36.793
Announcer: She'd made herself scarce once the ghost-busting began.
00:28:37.793 --> 00:28:44.653
Announcer: The main focus had been on getting the hissing, screeching phantom of Delphina out from under the bridge.
00:28:44.653 --> 00:28:48.313
Announcer: Then it was anchors away for Blue McKenna.
00:28:48.313 --> 00:28:56.633
Announcer: I'm not sure if anyone even knew about Gertrude besides me, Miss Kitty, and that ding-a-ling cupcake.
00:28:56.633 --> 00:29:00.193
Announcer: Boyd never mentioned her in relation to the haunted bridge.
00:29:00.193 --> 00:29:04.613
Announcer: Maybe he didn't even know she was clacking around in her no-nonsense pumps.
00:29:05.733 --> 00:29:11.553
Announcer: In all the excitement to finally be rid of Blue, I had forgotten her myself.
00:29:11.553 --> 00:29:15.373
Announcer: The truth came marching in a few weeks before Christmas.
00:29:15.373 --> 00:29:20.293
Announcer: Moon McKenna's driver's license had been suspended again.
00:29:20.293 --> 00:29:24.713
Announcer: I don't know if she gets a reminder in the mail to renew it or not.
00:29:24.713 --> 00:29:33.033
Announcer: Somehow, Deputy Kip Nichols knows when it's past due because he pulled her over for a second time, busting Moon for an outdated license.
00:29:34.133 --> 00:29:39.873
Announcer: I happened to be in the SUV heading into town with Moon to pick up the twins from school.
00:29:39.873 --> 00:29:49.273
Announcer: Acting like he was cutting Moon some kind of unbelievable break, Nichols offered to escort us to the DMV to get the issue resolved.
00:29:49.273 --> 00:29:52.593
Announcer: The line was longer than a Tolkien novel.
00:29:52.593 --> 00:29:53.353
Announcer: What?
00:29:53.353 --> 00:29:55.933
Announcer: You think I don't know how to read?
00:29:55.933 --> 00:30:00.833
Announcer: How the eff do you think I can understand what people are typing on their computers?
00:30:00.833 --> 00:30:02.193
Announcer: Give me a little credit, would you?
00:30:03.173 --> 00:30:07.733
Announcer: I'm sincerely sick of your faulty, limiting assumptions.
00:30:07.733 --> 00:30:09.133
Announcer: Now, where was I?
00:30:09.133 --> 00:30:11.413
Announcer: Oh, yeah, at the DMV.
00:30:11.413 --> 00:30:19.253
Announcer: Given that we'd probably be in this line until a new millennium, I thought I'd wander around a bit, stretch my paws.
00:30:19.253 --> 00:30:24.713
Announcer: I'd never been into the bowels of the DMV, but there's a first time for everything.
00:30:24.713 --> 00:30:28.373
Announcer: I smelled Gertrude before the confirmed sighting.
00:30:28.373 --> 00:30:35.193
Announcer: It's a wonder anyone can work in this office with that oyster soup boiling over in the back room.
00:30:35.193 --> 00:30:37.733
Announcer: More of a janitor's closet, really.
00:30:37.733 --> 00:30:40.033
Announcer: Only it was very neat.
00:30:40.033 --> 00:30:46.753
Announcer: Nothing much on the desk except an old manual typewriter and a stack of folders that had gone there to die.
00:30:46.753 --> 00:30:54.933
Announcer: I could hear Gertrude snapping away at the keys, no doubt rescinding the life license of some other unsuspecting soul.
00:30:54.933 --> 00:30:59.253
Announcer: I was good with that so long as Blue McKenna stayed dead.
00:31:00.053 --> 00:31:01.333
Next!
00:31:01.333 --> 00:31:02.633
Announcer: The end.
00:31:02.633 --> 00:31:09.113
Announcer: Thanks for listening to Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, written, produced and edited by Adele Park.
00:31:14.833 --> 00:31:19.673
Announcer: Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted is a Work of Fiction, copyright 2023.
00:31:20.793 --> 00:31:23.973
Announcer: This audio book was produced at Audio Recording St.
00:31:23.973 --> 00:31:30.133
Announcer: George, Mastering by Brenton Wayne Scott, Script Consulting by Debbie Justice.
00:31:31.613 --> 00:32:08.573
Announcer: In the cast of Quirky Cat Gets Ghosted, Joan DuCour as Gertrude Fletcher, Jave Patterson as Skitters the Cat, Scott Dawson as Brandon Spinkle, Daniel Pimentel as Taj Wakefield, Sherry Aldred as Blue McKenna, Cleve Asbury as Scottie Sphincter, Adele Park as Moon McKenna, Steve Campbell as Boyd Fletcher, Michael Park as Remy Samisota, Debbie Justice as Delphina Fletcher, and Harrison Taylor as Nolan Hester.
00:32:08.573 --> 00:32:13.713
Announcer: Brad Ziffer and Brenton Wayne Scott served as our studio announcers.
00:32:13.713 --> 00:32:18.973
Announcer: The rap, I'm Out, was written and performed by Daniel Pimentel.
00:32:18.973 --> 00:32:23.033
Announcer: Beats Gonorrhea was performed by Cleve Asbury.
00:32:23.033 --> 00:32:26.353
Announcer: Music mixes by Brenton Wayne Scott.
00:32:26.353 --> 00:32:32.553
Announcer: This performance is dedicated to Michael, who turned out to be a cat person after all.
00:32:32.553 --> 00:32:37.713
Announcer: On behalf of our entire crew, here's hoping all your days are Naval days.
00:32:46.268 --> 00:32:49.188
Announcer: In the mood for a killer audio book?
00:32:49.188 --> 00:32:56.648
Announcer: Quirky Killers by Adele Park is the story of a serial bride who sends her husbands to heaven in a hurry.
00:32:56.648 --> 00:33:04.528
Announcer: Too bad the cops don't see the humor in this and arrest this woman who is just trying to make sure everyone gets to meet God.
00:33:04.528 --> 00:33:08.608
Announcer: Quirky Killers, get it today on audible.com.
00:33:08.608 --> 00:33:11.148
Announcer: You'll die laughing.
00:33:11.148 --> 00:33:14.168
Announcer: Let's Talk Pets, every week on demand.
00:33:14.628 --> 00:33:17.188
Announcer: Only on petliferadio.com.